I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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