If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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