If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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