He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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