If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
