My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
