this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
