She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
