I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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