Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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