but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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