just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
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he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
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At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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