i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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