My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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