I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
