I want to make a zoo with you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
