I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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