at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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