I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
