it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
