Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
