i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
