Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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