There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
