hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
