if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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