i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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