someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
