tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
