we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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