how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
