So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
