How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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