my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We smell like vodka and hangover
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