Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
