just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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