I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
