your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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