And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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