does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
