Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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