my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
do herpes really smell.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
