I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
