I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So squirting runs in the family.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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