Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
