The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
