I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
