closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
