Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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