remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
