How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
