uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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