It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
