walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
