i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
