I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
