he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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