stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
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