The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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