Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
