dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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