So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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