i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
